Paula Deen Eats Cheeseburger - America outraged!"
Um, I'm sorry, this is news?
Yes, yes, the celebrity cook extraordinaire recently disclosed her type 2 diabetes. Yes, yes she cooks with butter and sugar. Yes. Yes. GULP. She ate a hamburger last week - with fries.
Is this the healthiest dinner option for anyone, let alone someone with diabetes? Probably not. Does it warrant 5,482 news stories? Uh, not really, no.
Sure, she could have had a salad that fateful day and avoided certain public annihilation. But listen, she's human. And no human is perfect - that's the Big Guy's job.
And heck, maybe I, too, would have jumped on the bandwagon to stone poor Paula if I hadn't caught a glimpse of myself reflecting off my glass house.
I'm fairly sure that every last one of us has, in a moment of weakness, given in to cheesecake or triple-chocolate-layer cake temptation from time to time, no?
I'm not saying we shouldn't all eat healthy, especially if we've got serious health issues demanding such. It's just that, I don't think St. Peter's going to stop Paula at the pearly gates someday because of that one little cheeseburger.
And while I'm mentioning the frivolity of media attention to private matters, what say you about the whole Demi Moore tired-gate farce?
I know what my buddy and Tribune Chronicle features editor Mary Beth Wyko said. She wondered aloud why the entire affair is so fascinating to the masses - oh, and while we're at it, she also asked why none of the rest of us in John and Jane Q. Public-ville are ever treated for exhaustion.
Right on, MB. I've been exhausted since the late 1990s and not so much as a FOX breaking news alert. Hmpf.
Need more proof that we're so starved for something to talk about that we'll talk about pretty much anything? I've got two words, people: Tim Tebow.
This has been chipping me off for a while now, so I'm just going to say it - leave Tebow alone. He's a good boy who's grateful for the talent God gave him, period. If I could invite him over to toss a ball in the front yard with my son, I gladly would - and that's not necessarily a request I'd make of some other NFLers who've escaped incarceration by the hair of their chinny chin chin. Just sayin'.
Look, folks, if you want to freak out about something, how's about the scariest story to hit the headlines in recent days, the CNN piece about the thousands of birds that have been invading the skies over La Grange, Ky. since November.
I may be paranoid, but ever since that seagull tried to eat my Cleveland Indians ball cap on the shores of Lake Erie last summer, I'm leery of feathered-fiends hovering overhead. Alfred Hitchcock may have been onto something, after all.
Either way, let's keep our ire where it belongs, people - aimed at the evil crows plotting to take over the world.
Look, I told you I was really tired.
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist. Contact her even if you just ate hot fudge sundae at firstname.lastname@example.org.