I don't know about you but I've been in a very bad mood for the past nine days or so.
Call it "Seasonal Affective Disorder," the "Winter Blahs" or just plain old 'tude - but I've sort of been a bit of a grouch since the holidays ended. As such, I'm finding the need to ease into this new year / decade rather pensively. You know those things which, if you live to be 1,000, you will never understand / get? Well, those have been sticking in my craw during this little self-imposed crab fest.
So, in order to try to dig myself out of my funk, here are some of the questions I'd like to have answered - preferably some time this year:
l Why is the top of the spray oil can so dang hard to get open? I mean, I end up spraying the inside of the lid all the time. It's some kind of twisted irony: I need to oil the can to get it open but I can't get the oil until I can open the can. Just one of many kitchen conundrums, but I digress.
l Why does Macy's (among other department stores) continually profess a one-day sale - only to extend it to the preceding day? And, by the by, how many final one-day sales can there possibly be?
l Why don't the loved ones of those initial, off key contestants on "American Idol" tell them that they sound like hyenas yodeling a little too far above sea level before they embarrass themselves on national television?
l Why does anyone care what the Kardashian sisters do at home - or any place else, for that matter? I know their dad was a famous lawyer and their stepdad is a famous Olympic gold medalist and I know they're pretty. But, um, why are they famous? Hmm.
As for my sister Gina, she's bewildered by the boys. When I asked her about the things that make her cranky she said: "Why can't men put the toilet seat down?"
Another thing that stumps my sis? "Why don't men know the answer to the question 'Do you think I am fat?'" For the male set who may be reading this, the answer is always NO. Swiftly, with no hesitation and emphatically. NO.
In fairness to the gentlemen, Fred Callahan of Kinsman offered the following.
"I will never, ever, ever understand why women feel the need to fill every silent moment with talk. 'What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What's going through your head right this minute?' Give it rest, you're exhausting us. We're thinking we'd like you to stop talking but if we tell you that you'll give us the cold shoulder for a month," he said all in one breath.
OK, Fred, so you do or don't want us to talk? See, it's those mixed messages that force out our inane chatter. Hmm.
My pal Joanna Dascenzo, a Howland native, is confounded by a few things herself. The one that drives her battiest? Problematic protective coverings. "The plastic wrap and sticky tape thing on CDs and DVDs - by the time you get that stuff off you don't even want to listen / watch anymore," she said, adding, "And the hard plastic and twist ties used on children's toys. You need an engineering degree and 50 pounds of TNT to actually get to the toy itself."
Good stuff, Jo.
Know what I think? I think the Good Lord's got a sense of humor and He's trying to help us all find ours. So, then, I guess the real question is: Why am I wasting time moaning and whining when I've got the world's best and cutest husband and son sitting in my family room?
Happy un-grumping, y'all!
Kimerer is a Tribune Chronicle columnist. Contact her at email@example.com.